under false pretenses

its hard to understand that some one you think is your best friend,
can suddenly turn and not like you anymore.

im not entirely sure how that works.
no signs, no hints, no nothing.
just walk away from you and not like you anymore.


and then after talking with someone else, not wanna talk with you.
not care what happens,
if the friendship lasts,
or if it doesnt.
but neither of those matter either,
cause according to that person there was never a "best friendship"


thats weird.
how could i be so wrong as to think that someone is becoming my best friend
but then its actually that they dont like me?
that they think im stealing their best friend away?

i never thought i could be so blind.
im usually pretty darn perceptive.
especially about people feelings.

and being so wrong about this,
and hearing what that person thinks about me
it confirms my worst fears.
and that scares me.

what to do?
i'm not sure
well i kind of do know what to do
but i dont know, actually don't think that it will work.

but hey, anythings worth a shot if the option of losing a best friend is on the table,
right?


even if the "best friend" was never really a best friend??
and they are ready to throw me away just like that?



hmmm
looks like i have some thinking to do.
wish me luck.

. . . . .

what goes up must come down...
thats what im learning.



so much for the always being happy thing.
i think for the first time ever,
im depressed.


like honest to goodness, depressed.
im tired.
my body hurts.
i cant muster the energy to smile.
eat.
laugh.
do anything really.



the other day, i decided to make some changes.
i think i realized too late.
i think ive already messed things up.
but sad thing is, i dont know exactly what did it.

i need help.
i need someone to talk to,
but the one person who i would call right now for help,
is packing to get on a plane tomorrow to go to Argentina,
then Uruguay for two years.
ill be without his guidance,
his laughter.
god im going to miss him
i mean, ill still talk to him sometimes,
we'll write.
but its different. i cant imagine not hearing his laughter over the phone
hearing his comforting words.

i know he is going into the world to better it.
to make a life for people.
to help people.
he is doing an AMAZING thing.
as he should, he's an amazing person.
im just being selfish cause i can't imagine not seeing him for two years.

good luck best friend. i love you.
i'll see you in two years. :)


but two years is too long to wait for help with what im dealing with right now.
i need someone else to talk to.
but i cant find the courage to talk to anyone else.
i dont wanna be a burden on any one elses lives.
because i feel like i would be if i called and ask for them to listen.
with ilo, i never felt that way.
i need someone like him.



someone help me, i feel like im drowning.

paper is done :)

which means i can do this now.
i havent written in a while.
so here it goes....


still loving life. i still have this constant sense of happiness and contenment.
stress has managed to find me at times, like now when im running on 4 hours of sleep
had a paper due today. have housing stuff next week. but im still happy.
its kinda weird.


and having this sense of happiness and peace with everything
has made me realize somethings.
things i wont go into too much detail about on the internet.
but being happy with most things has made me realize what im not happy with.
and the things im not happy with are decisions i've made recently.
i have some clarity and i will go fix my mistakes.
i will make things right, and i will be better for it.
i cant wait.



<3 oh and christopher comes tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then walnut world on saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ahh i cant wait.

i miss everyone soo much.
i cant wait to see them.
especially travis at the moment.
ive been talking to him alot more.
and i really really really miss him.
i want to see him.
i miss his hugs.


i miss EVERYONE
so much.
can't wait for familiarity.
for comfort.
for friendly faces.
for love
<3

bring it on

im going to make some changes.
i realized somethings recently.



i am making changes to myself.
ive made mistakes.
and i JUST learned from them.
so let the changes begin.


more to come on this sudden revelation later.
for now back to my paper.
i just had to throw it out there.