light.

so being home has been everything i needed
wanted
wished for

angelina's gymnastics recital
sooo cute.
i didnt know three/four years old could do flips
and that they are more coordinated than i am
:P
guess we learn something new everyday, huh?
bahaha
anyways, she was so excited about it,
and so happy she got a trophy

"alex, look! can you believe it?????
my first trophy! its so pretty..."

next, heidi's dance recital.
she amazes me everytime i see her dance.
she's truly amazing,
and best part?
she doesnt realize it.
:)
she's humble,
she goofy,
she's.....
well she's my best friend,
and i cant think of a better one to have.
being home is great, but sometimes arguments with my parents
can take away from centering myself.
but hanging out with her,
man, she always helps me.
i love you heidi michelle.
and youre an amazing dancer.
:)
<3

under false pretenses

its hard to understand that some one you think is your best friend,
can suddenly turn and not like you anymore.

im not entirely sure how that works.
no signs, no hints, no nothing.
just walk away from you and not like you anymore.


and then after talking with someone else, not wanna talk with you.
not care what happens,
if the friendship lasts,
or if it doesnt.
but neither of those matter either,
cause according to that person there was never a "best friendship"


thats weird.
how could i be so wrong as to think that someone is becoming my best friend
but then its actually that they dont like me?
that they think im stealing their best friend away?

i never thought i could be so blind.
im usually pretty darn perceptive.
especially about people feelings.

and being so wrong about this,
and hearing what that person thinks about me
it confirms my worst fears.
and that scares me.

what to do?
i'm not sure
well i kind of do know what to do
but i dont know, actually don't think that it will work.

but hey, anythings worth a shot if the option of losing a best friend is on the table,
right?


even if the "best friend" was never really a best friend??
and they are ready to throw me away just like that?



hmmm
looks like i have some thinking to do.
wish me luck.

. . . . .

what goes up must come down...
thats what im learning.



so much for the always being happy thing.
i think for the first time ever,
im depressed.


like honest to goodness, depressed.
im tired.
my body hurts.
i cant muster the energy to smile.
eat.
laugh.
do anything really.



the other day, i decided to make some changes.
i think i realized too late.
i think ive already messed things up.
but sad thing is, i dont know exactly what did it.

i need help.
i need someone to talk to,
but the one person who i would call right now for help,
is packing to get on a plane tomorrow to go to Argentina,
then Uruguay for two years.
ill be without his guidance,
his laughter.
god im going to miss him
i mean, ill still talk to him sometimes,
we'll write.
but its different. i cant imagine not hearing his laughter over the phone
hearing his comforting words.

i know he is going into the world to better it.
to make a life for people.
to help people.
he is doing an AMAZING thing.
as he should, he's an amazing person.
im just being selfish cause i can't imagine not seeing him for two years.

good luck best friend. i love you.
i'll see you in two years. :)


but two years is too long to wait for help with what im dealing with right now.
i need someone else to talk to.
but i cant find the courage to talk to anyone else.
i dont wanna be a burden on any one elses lives.
because i feel like i would be if i called and ask for them to listen.
with ilo, i never felt that way.
i need someone like him.



someone help me, i feel like im drowning.

paper is done :)

which means i can do this now.
i havent written in a while.
so here it goes....


still loving life. i still have this constant sense of happiness and contenment.
stress has managed to find me at times, like now when im running on 4 hours of sleep
had a paper due today. have housing stuff next week. but im still happy.
its kinda weird.


and having this sense of happiness and peace with everything
has made me realize somethings.
things i wont go into too much detail about on the internet.
but being happy with most things has made me realize what im not happy with.
and the things im not happy with are decisions i've made recently.
i have some clarity and i will go fix my mistakes.
i will make things right, and i will be better for it.
i cant wait.



<3 oh and christopher comes tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then walnut world on saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ahh i cant wait.

i miss everyone soo much.
i cant wait to see them.
especially travis at the moment.
ive been talking to him alot more.
and i really really really miss him.
i want to see him.
i miss his hugs.


i miss EVERYONE
so much.
can't wait for familiarity.
for comfort.
for friendly faces.
for love
<3

bring it on

im going to make some changes.
i realized somethings recently.



i am making changes to myself.
ive made mistakes.
and i JUST learned from them.
so let the changes begin.


more to come on this sudden revelation later.
for now back to my paper.
i just had to throw it out there.

happy lately

i dont know why
but im very happy lately
things are stressful
and im sick
and i should be mad at some people.
and i kinda am.

but through all of this,
i remain happy.
i dont get stressed
i dont get angry.
i just let it pass.

it seems that nothing lately can get me down.
i love it :)


i think the only thing that can get me upset
is thinking about how much i miss home.
i see my family alot lately, they come up about every other week
but i still miss them alot.
i feel the need to call my mom more. and i dont ever wanna hang up.

but my friends.
wow. i miss them. more than anything.
i talk to some more now than before, but i think that makes me miss them more.
but honestly, i miss one friend more than the others.
way more than the others.
and thats saying ALOT, cause i miss everyone more than can be described in words.
i want her to know that im still me.
i struggled a bit in the beginning while ive been away.
but ive found myself again i think. i found the balance ive been looking for.
and i want you to see that. i want you to be proud.
i want to talk to you more. i dont want you to forget about me.
but i know you wont. cause when im feeling my most doubtful about us,
you seem to be able to sense it and you reaffirm me. :)



so overall, im happy and i feel loved.
<3

wasnt finished

haha wow i need a second post to
get everything outta my head.

-----------------------------------

you just left.
when ill see you again?
i dont know
youre not coming back.
and i already miss you
well i miss the idea of you that i have
because i know you dont live up to that
not in the least
you dont deserve me
but i still pursued you.
not anymore.
the distance will make it easier to forget.
but i do miss you.
why can't you be what i wanted?
but whatever.
like i said, you dont deserve me.
there's only one person i can think of that deserves me
and youre not him.
i think you were my substitute.
because the one who deserves me, the one who i may not deserve,
well i hurt him. i hurt him bad.
and i dont think he can forgive me
but, oh jeezz i want him to.
i gave my everything to him,
how the heck did i throw that away?!?
and for what?
a couple fun nights away at college?
so not a fair trade.
will he ever forgive me?

well i think hes getting there, :)
we talked last night.
best part of my night

i still love him





wow, crazy internal struggle there ^^^^ huh??

yea anyways, im feeling better.
i need to write more.



T minus 6 hours.