2 quarters down...

and so much has happened.


its been awhile since ive had the time
or drive to write about whats going on in my crazy head.

ive realized that i miss you the most
i miss what we were.
i want that back
but i dont think you want the same thing
or ever will
i think i hurt you too much.
but i want you to know,
i kick myself everyday for that mistake
im sorry.


BIRTHDAY
was amazing.
one of the best birthdays ive ever had.
11:58 pm, March 13th- Heidi calls, two minutes early girlie
she blamed it on Disneyland :)
but its okay i love her anyways
she was the first call from home.
<3
thank you to amy, isabel and chelsi
the door decorations, the cake, the ice cream.
i was bursting with love. <3
then calls from EVERYONE
cute pics of mac from Suzie. him saying happy birthday in dog :)
the diaz's calling me. i almost cried.
the only thing that stopped me,
i didnt want to cry in front of them
cause i knew if i started, i wouldnt stop.
jeezzzz i love that family.
"you sound like youre right around the corner"
i wish i was Mr Diaz, i really do.
birthday songs from my 2 As :)
i recorded them
then Birthday Dinner
I love Sushi- best restaurant.
drunkies there were funnyyyy
then we sang karaoke,
got booed, of course because we were not drunkies
so we werent dancing crazy across the stage.
haha
a group of 15, wow.
14 other people love me enough to go to a dinner
celebrating me.
thank you everyone.

finalssssss
two words
epic fail.
well just the film final
a 3 hour final?!?!?!
holy cow.
econ was good, i love that class :)
is that weird?




and now these are my last couple hours before i leave to back to
Walnut World
for spring break.
i cant wait.
SBF
my bed.
home cooking
beach
Disneyland
love
<3

a reason for living

i will be strong
i will be faithful
cause im counting on a new beginning
a reason for living
a deeper meaning

i want to stand with you on a mountain.....

a little less than two weeks.
finally
i can't wait to see the little faces.

they'll help me get to my mountain
i do it for them
and by it i mean everything.
well i try to.
im having a little difficulty as of late.
but hopefully ill be on track soon.

ive made some big mistakes and
recently ive realized that they were mistakes
so i tried to fix them
hopefully my effort was enough.


but still i have one big mistake
for which i have no remedy.
my head tells me one thing
and something ( i dont think my heart but it coud be)
tells me something different.

and actually not only my head,
but EVERYONE else tells me the same thing:
to STOP

but i can't.
when noone else is involved
everything is different.
but as soon as its not just us.
things change
and i KNOW thats bad
but for some reason
i cant pull myself away.
i just need time away.

and i will get it in less that two weeks
when the family comes up!

and christopher!!

ahh im soo excited.
can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

home.

centers me.



i love being here. i really honestly do.
i wish i had more time.

i still havent spent much time with you at all
but ya know what?
it still feels okay.
:)
cause youre my bestest
but ohh jeezzz can we please hang out soon?????????

anways, being home,
has been, to say the least
eventful.
i cant believe everything that has happened.

please be okay.
you tell me not to worry but that doesnt do anything
i still DO
i wont ever stop
you have meant so much to me, still do,
from the moment i met you.
i want more that ANYTHING to be able to take away your worries,
to make things easier on you.
even if you dont want to wake up in the morning,
i still want you to.
and you may tell me that i say too much about what i want,
and you make think its selfish,
but when my wants are to make you better,
i dont care if im selfish.
because thats who i am.
with everyone in my life,
my only wants and desires are to better other people.
to help make their lives easier in some way.
and yes, i screw up sometimes and end up doing the opposite,
but my intentions are always good.
ALWAYS.
please understand that.

wow.

is the only way to desribe life right now.

when youre young(er), you think time flies,
but really
you have no idea.

the full meaning of the saying "in life dont blink, you'll miss it"
just hit me.

i can't believe im done with my first quarter of college.
im heading home for a break, cause dannnngggg
I NEED IT.

everything here happens so fast.
but its wonderful.

the people ive met,
ellis
diana
kiki
pat
paul
jenn
rhonda
david
joey
abigail
reid
stas
victor
janel
mercedes
greg
angela
anna
john
laurel
alli
jill
liz
nate
chris
kat
simone
lexi
ben
krystal
alyssa
kyle
sam
derek
spencer
vince

can you believe that in a ten week period, ALL of these people have had some impact on my life, enough to be rememered off the top of my head in a matter of one minute? that each of these people i know, without a doubt, even though ive known them for less than 3 months, i can count on? they have my back?

isnt that incredible? and even more proof how FAST things go here? how much actually happens here? and i LOVE it.
with out a doubt. unquestioning.

but i am soo ready for a break.
ready for the comfort of home.

last time i went home, i didnt want to leave.
i love it there. no matter how much i complain about it when im actually there, I LOVE IT.
i wish Santa cruz and walnut were closer.

because i know what you meant when you said " i missed you more than i thought i did, and i missed you alot"

it hit me when i came back.
being split is hard.

and last night was the perfect way to finish my weekend.
Pre all cal party. "classy as fuck"
haha i loved that theme we all looked awesome.

small party, maybe fifity people.
enough alcohol for 100+ to rage all night.
i had a blast.

party was sooo far out of the way that barely anyone showed except for staffers and our close friends. so lots of alcohol. and lots of fun.
ellis, diana, and kiki showed up.
i was already having an "good" time. they brought a camera. now they have evidence of my ridiculousness

moments of the night ( in no particular order, cause ya know, i dont remember alll haha)
-derek and i getting lost, still having a blast jamming to ace of base and aerosmith, and the beatles
-trying to walk in heels on the dirt, mud road.
-the HUGE white german shepard dewy.
-staff pictures!! nice, serious, but shot, eff you, girls!!, guys!!, pantless guys?,
-the dirty pic alli drew
-trying to add to the pic, epic fail.
-liz adding to the pic.
-ellis kiki and diana!!!
-getting "caught"
-somehow managing to repeatedly crawl up a ladder. in heels. and tipsy.
-laughing on the floor, dont remember why.
-leaving, yelling "fuck him!!" hahahahahahahahaha, man whore.
-sleeping in the car, while ellis, kiki, diana got food.
-waking up to them saying take it! take it before she wakes up!!! and looking up to see them trying to snap my pic while sleeping. haha
-going to the atm, seeing kiki disappear, learning later it was cause she went to pee. haha
-heading to my room. having kiki help me.
-saying goodbye, then realizing i had kikis boot in my hand, dont know why.
-gettting into bed. then getting out of bed
-seeign matt, emilie and alexis
-eating pizza
-going to bed
-waking up, realizing i overslept. ://////
-not feelign bad. :)))))


overall a great night i cant wait to see pics.


but home,
Ax3
heidi bryan audrey bailey christopher ilo travis greg mikey karina camille melissa PCs

on tuesday.
comfort, here i come.

prop 8

i cannot believe it was passed.


prop 8 states that it "eliminates the rights" of those in the gay community to have marriage recognized by the state.

how could ANYOE vote for a propostition that eliminates someones rights?!!?


the thought of that actually baffles me.


now it is pretty obvious that each political party has a different view on this, so for those conservatives i have one question:

how can you claim a fetus has rights while not giving a living breathing participating member of society a basic right such as marriage???


now i totally understand the argument for those who are pro life, i am not complaing about that at all. however i am pro choice.

but if a fetus has rights, why doesnt a gay member of society?


now think about this;

what happens if a fetus grows up to be gay?

you gave it the right to live, but when it finds love, you wont allow it to get married.


i dont see how that is right.

distance

"the heart grows fonder with distance"
but yet distance can also cause separation.
changes in each of us that could possibly cause a rift.

i dont want that to happen with you.
i think about that quote
people enter your life for a reason a season or a lifetime
i always wished that you would be a lifetime
never expecting id be away from you.

never expecting id be without the daily guidance you gave me
the smile youd give me that would reassure me that i was loved unconditionally

i wonder if we've grown apart already
if it started before i left.
its strange, with us things should come easy
we should be able to tell each other everything
and with anyone else it seems, that i can tell them my actions
and not care what they think
but with you, im ashamed

i dont want you to think any differently of me
for fear that you wont love me anymore.

i feel this distance not only with me,
but also with you
not everything is shared bewtween us, from either end

im going to try my absolute hardest to keep you for a lifetime
but if youve lived out your reason in my life,
i hope its easy to let you move on and flourish
cause girl, i know you will

where to start...

a certain quote comes to mind when i think about the events of the last week..

of course i dont remember the quote but its about how at the end of our life we're not supposed to be "like new" but rather we're supposed to slide into it,
bandaged outta breath and saying wow what a ride.

basically it means take risks and have fun.
live a life that takes you for a ride,
not one where youre too scared to try new things
meet new people
do new things


since ive been here at college ive learned one of the most rewarding experiences is to eat alone.
you can sit and people watch
or read
or even just plan to eat alone but when you get there join a group of people who look interesting to you.
make some new friends
its really rewarding to know that i am so comfortable with who i am and my life that i can eat alone and not feel lonely. not feel like i need to be surrounded by tons of people.
because in reality, sometimes sitting alone i feel more at ease than if i sit with people with whom i only have a superficial relationship.
now dont get me wrong this only works everynow and then.

dont assume that i eat alone alllll the time
but maybe 2 or 3 times a week
and it really helps center you.

and speaking of centering yourself
tai chi chuan.
great class
the movements are almost hypnotic
unfortunatley i dropped the class
:(
but only because i wasnt getting the full experience
the teacher doesnt explain the reasoning behind every movement.
so i watch when he does the movements
and on tuesday it was absolutely amazing
because we were in the gym and the class is down to a pretty small size
so the teacher is the front of them class, performing tai chi
and the suns is setting through the windows above him..
it hits so that all you see is a shadow of a man outlined by the rays of the sun..
gracefully doing the tai chi moves that are actually meant for fighting..
it was the strangest (for lack of a better word) experience
it was almost out of body
something hit me right then and there
and i thought to myself
"if i cant understand the meaning behind these moves, i should not be here"
so i asked and still the teacher couldnt explain fully to mean everything
and i went home and dropped the class.

i will take that class again in the future because if can be in control of myself like the moves require, its a whole new level of serenity and confidence. and one day i hope to posess those traits to that extent.

tai chi is (was) the only time of the week that time seemed to stand still and fly by at the exact same time.
every day is constant from class to class to eating to studying back to class
its a never ending cycle of frustration and confusion but also of comfort and learning,
not a day goes by that i dont run through several opposite emotions
laughing
concentrating
frustration
boredom
tired
hungry
sleepy
happy
excited
pissed off
the list goes on...

and im not crazy or bi polar
its just im living everyday to the fullest up here
trying not to take any moment for granted
because i saw (and still remember clearly) how fast high school flew by
so i want to cherish the time i have here
the time i have to learn to grow to mature
to be free while still having some constraints on me
to be independent while still having my parents behind me