wow.

is the only way to desribe life right now.

when youre young(er), you think time flies,
but really
you have no idea.

the full meaning of the saying "in life dont blink, you'll miss it"
just hit me.

i can't believe im done with my first quarter of college.
im heading home for a break, cause dannnngggg
I NEED IT.

everything here happens so fast.
but its wonderful.

the people ive met,
ellis
diana
kiki
pat
paul
jenn
rhonda
david
joey
abigail
reid
stas
victor
janel
mercedes
greg
angela
anna
john
laurel
alli
jill
liz
nate
chris
kat
simone
lexi
ben
krystal
alyssa
kyle
sam
derek
spencer
vince

can you believe that in a ten week period, ALL of these people have had some impact on my life, enough to be rememered off the top of my head in a matter of one minute? that each of these people i know, without a doubt, even though ive known them for less than 3 months, i can count on? they have my back?

isnt that incredible? and even more proof how FAST things go here? how much actually happens here? and i LOVE it.
with out a doubt. unquestioning.

but i am soo ready for a break.
ready for the comfort of home.

last time i went home, i didnt want to leave.
i love it there. no matter how much i complain about it when im actually there, I LOVE IT.
i wish Santa cruz and walnut were closer.

because i know what you meant when you said " i missed you more than i thought i did, and i missed you alot"

it hit me when i came back.
being split is hard.

and last night was the perfect way to finish my weekend.
Pre all cal party. "classy as fuck"
haha i loved that theme we all looked awesome.

small party, maybe fifity people.
enough alcohol for 100+ to rage all night.
i had a blast.

party was sooo far out of the way that barely anyone showed except for staffers and our close friends. so lots of alcohol. and lots of fun.
ellis, diana, and kiki showed up.
i was already having an "good" time. they brought a camera. now they have evidence of my ridiculousness

moments of the night ( in no particular order, cause ya know, i dont remember alll haha)
-derek and i getting lost, still having a blast jamming to ace of base and aerosmith, and the beatles
-trying to walk in heels on the dirt, mud road.
-the HUGE white german shepard dewy.
-staff pictures!! nice, serious, but shot, eff you, girls!!, guys!!, pantless guys?,
-the dirty pic alli drew
-trying to add to the pic, epic fail.
-liz adding to the pic.
-ellis kiki and diana!!!
-getting "caught"
-somehow managing to repeatedly crawl up a ladder. in heels. and tipsy.
-laughing on the floor, dont remember why.
-leaving, yelling "fuck him!!" hahahahahahahahaha, man whore.
-sleeping in the car, while ellis, kiki, diana got food.
-waking up to them saying take it! take it before she wakes up!!! and looking up to see them trying to snap my pic while sleeping. haha
-going to the atm, seeing kiki disappear, learning later it was cause she went to pee. haha
-heading to my room. having kiki help me.
-saying goodbye, then realizing i had kikis boot in my hand, dont know why.
-gettting into bed. then getting out of bed
-seeign matt, emilie and alexis
-eating pizza
-going to bed
-waking up, realizing i overslept. ://////
-not feelign bad. :)))))


overall a great night i cant wait to see pics.


but home,
Ax3
heidi bryan audrey bailey christopher ilo travis greg mikey karina camille melissa PCs

on tuesday.
comfort, here i come.

prop 8

i cannot believe it was passed.


prop 8 states that it "eliminates the rights" of those in the gay community to have marriage recognized by the state.

how could ANYOE vote for a propostition that eliminates someones rights?!!?


the thought of that actually baffles me.


now it is pretty obvious that each political party has a different view on this, so for those conservatives i have one question:

how can you claim a fetus has rights while not giving a living breathing participating member of society a basic right such as marriage???


now i totally understand the argument for those who are pro life, i am not complaing about that at all. however i am pro choice.

but if a fetus has rights, why doesnt a gay member of society?


now think about this;

what happens if a fetus grows up to be gay?

you gave it the right to live, but when it finds love, you wont allow it to get married.


i dont see how that is right.

distance

"the heart grows fonder with distance"
but yet distance can also cause separation.
changes in each of us that could possibly cause a rift.

i dont want that to happen with you.
i think about that quote
people enter your life for a reason a season or a lifetime
i always wished that you would be a lifetime
never expecting id be away from you.

never expecting id be without the daily guidance you gave me
the smile youd give me that would reassure me that i was loved unconditionally

i wonder if we've grown apart already
if it started before i left.
its strange, with us things should come easy
we should be able to tell each other everything
and with anyone else it seems, that i can tell them my actions
and not care what they think
but with you, im ashamed

i dont want you to think any differently of me
for fear that you wont love me anymore.

i feel this distance not only with me,
but also with you
not everything is shared bewtween us, from either end

im going to try my absolute hardest to keep you for a lifetime
but if youve lived out your reason in my life,
i hope its easy to let you move on and flourish
cause girl, i know you will

where to start...

a certain quote comes to mind when i think about the events of the last week..

of course i dont remember the quote but its about how at the end of our life we're not supposed to be "like new" but rather we're supposed to slide into it,
bandaged outta breath and saying wow what a ride.

basically it means take risks and have fun.
live a life that takes you for a ride,
not one where youre too scared to try new things
meet new people
do new things


since ive been here at college ive learned one of the most rewarding experiences is to eat alone.
you can sit and people watch
or read
or even just plan to eat alone but when you get there join a group of people who look interesting to you.
make some new friends
its really rewarding to know that i am so comfortable with who i am and my life that i can eat alone and not feel lonely. not feel like i need to be surrounded by tons of people.
because in reality, sometimes sitting alone i feel more at ease than if i sit with people with whom i only have a superficial relationship.
now dont get me wrong this only works everynow and then.

dont assume that i eat alone alllll the time
but maybe 2 or 3 times a week
and it really helps center you.

and speaking of centering yourself
tai chi chuan.
great class
the movements are almost hypnotic
unfortunatley i dropped the class
:(
but only because i wasnt getting the full experience
the teacher doesnt explain the reasoning behind every movement.
so i watch when he does the movements
and on tuesday it was absolutely amazing
because we were in the gym and the class is down to a pretty small size
so the teacher is the front of them class, performing tai chi
and the suns is setting through the windows above him..
it hits so that all you see is a shadow of a man outlined by the rays of the sun..
gracefully doing the tai chi moves that are actually meant for fighting..
it was the strangest (for lack of a better word) experience
it was almost out of body
something hit me right then and there
and i thought to myself
"if i cant understand the meaning behind these moves, i should not be here"
so i asked and still the teacher couldnt explain fully to mean everything
and i went home and dropped the class.

i will take that class again in the future because if can be in control of myself like the moves require, its a whole new level of serenity and confidence. and one day i hope to posess those traits to that extent.

tai chi is (was) the only time of the week that time seemed to stand still and fly by at the exact same time.
every day is constant from class to class to eating to studying back to class
its a never ending cycle of frustration and confusion but also of comfort and learning,
not a day goes by that i dont run through several opposite emotions
laughing
concentrating
frustration
boredom
tired
hungry
sleepy
happy
excited
pissed off
the list goes on...

and im not crazy or bi polar
its just im living everyday to the fullest up here
trying not to take any moment for granted
because i saw (and still remember clearly) how fast high school flew by
so i want to cherish the time i have here
the time i have to learn to grow to mature
to be free while still having some constraints on me
to be independent while still having my parents behind me

changing?

i think i have.
wait no scratch that.
i KNOW i have.


for the better or no?
i hope for the better.


i seem to be more outgoing
im not that shy anymore
but is it a phase?

oh goodness i need you here.
i need you to tell me if i am different, and how different.
you, hwo knows me better than anyone else, better than i even know myself.
i need to see you. to just hang out with you
just for a little.
then you can tell me.

am i putting on a act?
you'd be able to see through it.
is it real?
you'd know.


oh man i've never missed anyone as much as i miss you right now.
as much as ive missed you these past two weeks.
i can't wait to see you.
your hug can help me see who i am.
thats all i need from you.
and yet you'll still give me soo much more.
and i won't even need to ask for it.

that's why i love you so much.
you unconditionally love me, and straighten out my crap.
visit me?

ha i wish.

PMS

ugh i hate it./
makes me emotional for no reason.

like seriously today i got all upset and hurt over text messages.
can you say L A M E?

and the worst part about it is,
i know im overreacting.
but i
dont
give
a
shit.


i want everything i say to be right
everyone to love me
and no one question anything about that.


its sad.
i need pills
to keep this rampant monster undercontrol.


and on top of all this emotional crap:
bloating
fatigue
aches
and skin problems.

why,really WHY, does this have to happen?

hmm.

this weekend has been exhausting.


the most exhausting since ive been here.
and most confusing.

friday night was absolutely amazing
so much fun, so great to just let go.
friends are great, the ones who held their liquor at least.
i hate taking care of irresponisble decisions.

dancing with david.
great dancer.
thought he was into me.
was i into him?
should i be into him?
or wait even better CAN i be into him?
is it fair to be into him?
accoriding to the conversation it should be okay.
then why do i feel like a bitch?

saturday....
seeing the family!!
wow i missed them.
andrew was mad at me.
wouldnt talk to me the first.
finally warmed up.
gave me the cute baby open mouth kisses...
i love those...

angelina wasnt even phased by the distance between us
acted as if i'd never left.
can't tell if that upset me or not

mmm abuela made mole
soooo good to have real food again.

sunday
mmm real food again..
eggs and beans for breakfast.
dining hall food is lame

dads birthday party
he got emotional with the card i gave him
i saw him in a new light

still wishing i could see the rest of the people i left behind.
selfish i know.

heidichrisaudreyilogregtravisbryan
i miss you guys more than you know, or probally expect.

but my biggest struggle this weekend is defining lines from a relationship from home
we agreed nothing is exlcusive
but our emotions basically dont allow that

but i still was interested
what would you think of me?
would you be angry?
or would you be how i expect?
saying its okay, it was bound to happen, we knew it would happen..

how do i want you to react?
if youre angry then in a sense i know you care.
but if youre angry, that means youre not who you used to be.

if you let me go, saying we knew this would happen,
i would feel as if i never really mattered.
but then i know that i did.

oh mann...

everything..

has been such a roller coaster here...
but its soo much fun.


last night by far was the biggest roller coaster though..
went to the ski/snowboard club party...


wow.
i met sooo many people.. it was awesome.

saw a friend...drunk beyond anything..
with some random guy.

party got busted around quarter to ten


waited in the street till the group met up.
couldnt find 3 friends
two turned up at the 'first bus stop' whatever the hell that meant


another didnt show up till about 3 o clock today.
omg everyone was freaking out. couldnt call her cause she lost her cell.
couldnt call the guy cause we didnt know who he was.

o man.

but overall a good night


cant wait for another night like that.

thanks alissa elissa paul joey steven dave maya maekin casey patrick
first college party ever.
it rocked.

so far

things have been great.
meeting new people.
trying new things.
learning about different things. (class hasnt even started)


and while this is all going on, my thougths still wander to those back home.
-how are you
-do you miss me
-will things be the same when i get back

things here are so much fun
-trying to find parties and always ending up doing something else
-meeting the "watermelons"
-taco bell runs at nearly one in the morning

i miss you all and hope you still think of me cause i think of you always.
i seem to compare constantly.