distance

"the heart grows fonder with distance"
but yet distance can also cause separation.
changes in each of us that could possibly cause a rift.

i dont want that to happen with you.
i think about that quote
people enter your life for a reason a season or a lifetime
i always wished that you would be a lifetime
never expecting id be away from you.

never expecting id be without the daily guidance you gave me
the smile youd give me that would reassure me that i was loved unconditionally

i wonder if we've grown apart already
if it started before i left.
its strange, with us things should come easy
we should be able to tell each other everything
and with anyone else it seems, that i can tell them my actions
and not care what they think
but with you, im ashamed

i dont want you to think any differently of me
for fear that you wont love me anymore.

i feel this distance not only with me,
but also with you
not everything is shared bewtween us, from either end

im going to try my absolute hardest to keep you for a lifetime
but if youve lived out your reason in my life,
i hope its easy to let you move on and flourish
cause girl, i know you will

where to start...

a certain quote comes to mind when i think about the events of the last week..

of course i dont remember the quote but its about how at the end of our life we're not supposed to be "like new" but rather we're supposed to slide into it,
bandaged outta breath and saying wow what a ride.

basically it means take risks and have fun.
live a life that takes you for a ride,
not one where youre too scared to try new things
meet new people
do new things


since ive been here at college ive learned one of the most rewarding experiences is to eat alone.
you can sit and people watch
or read
or even just plan to eat alone but when you get there join a group of people who look interesting to you.
make some new friends
its really rewarding to know that i am so comfortable with who i am and my life that i can eat alone and not feel lonely. not feel like i need to be surrounded by tons of people.
because in reality, sometimes sitting alone i feel more at ease than if i sit with people with whom i only have a superficial relationship.
now dont get me wrong this only works everynow and then.

dont assume that i eat alone alllll the time
but maybe 2 or 3 times a week
and it really helps center you.

and speaking of centering yourself
tai chi chuan.
great class
the movements are almost hypnotic
unfortunatley i dropped the class
:(
but only because i wasnt getting the full experience
the teacher doesnt explain the reasoning behind every movement.
so i watch when he does the movements
and on tuesday it was absolutely amazing
because we were in the gym and the class is down to a pretty small size
so the teacher is the front of them class, performing tai chi
and the suns is setting through the windows above him..
it hits so that all you see is a shadow of a man outlined by the rays of the sun..
gracefully doing the tai chi moves that are actually meant for fighting..
it was the strangest (for lack of a better word) experience
it was almost out of body
something hit me right then and there
and i thought to myself
"if i cant understand the meaning behind these moves, i should not be here"
so i asked and still the teacher couldnt explain fully to mean everything
and i went home and dropped the class.

i will take that class again in the future because if can be in control of myself like the moves require, its a whole new level of serenity and confidence. and one day i hope to posess those traits to that extent.

tai chi is (was) the only time of the week that time seemed to stand still and fly by at the exact same time.
every day is constant from class to class to eating to studying back to class
its a never ending cycle of frustration and confusion but also of comfort and learning,
not a day goes by that i dont run through several opposite emotions
laughing
concentrating
frustration
boredom
tired
hungry
sleepy
happy
excited
pissed off
the list goes on...

and im not crazy or bi polar
its just im living everyday to the fullest up here
trying not to take any moment for granted
because i saw (and still remember clearly) how fast high school flew by
so i want to cherish the time i have here
the time i have to learn to grow to mature
to be free while still having some constraints on me
to be independent while still having my parents behind me

changing?

i think i have.
wait no scratch that.
i KNOW i have.


for the better or no?
i hope for the better.


i seem to be more outgoing
im not that shy anymore
but is it a phase?

oh goodness i need you here.
i need you to tell me if i am different, and how different.
you, hwo knows me better than anyone else, better than i even know myself.
i need to see you. to just hang out with you
just for a little.
then you can tell me.

am i putting on a act?
you'd be able to see through it.
is it real?
you'd know.


oh man i've never missed anyone as much as i miss you right now.
as much as ive missed you these past two weeks.
i can't wait to see you.
your hug can help me see who i am.
thats all i need from you.
and yet you'll still give me soo much more.
and i won't even need to ask for it.

that's why i love you so much.
you unconditionally love me, and straighten out my crap.
visit me?

ha i wish.